Wednesday, 9 September 2015

Life choices - lifestyles - consequences

This has been such a hard post to write. It's taken me forever to find the right words, expressing my feelings without a whimper.

This summer we had overnight guests from Australia. I thought they were staying with us for a couple of weeks. They ended up staying nearly six weeks!

During that time I discovered how different our lives have become.

My friend lives in the countryside, I live in suburbia. She has a small farm with lots of animals, I (now) have a dog.

Kaffesoester's Japanese Akita named Coco
Our girl Coco :-)

She only has one good friend, and she's lonely. Around me I have more than 20 great friends that I see frequently. Hardly a day goes by without one or two of them dropping in to have coffee and a chat.

She has severe money trouble, as a consequence of her life style choices as well as being unlucky with all the different jobs she's had over the years.

I'm not rich, but I do have money to give to charity, to pay for the dentist and the hairdresser, and for holidays abroad every now and then.

During her stay she revealed that she hadn't had an opportunity to wear make-up for the last five years. I buy a new mascara every 3 months. Plus new nail polish, lipstick and perfume.

She'll often be in her pyjama the whole day, I love dressing up in clean, colourful and fitted clothes, adding fun jewellery, shoes and handbags, wether I'm going out or not.

She claims that her neighbours and most of the people in the village are impossible to talk to, because she's too different from them.

I love having friends that are different from me. I love how we all have our own political ideals, religious beliefs and social background, but still manage to have fun, support each other and broaden each other's horizon.

No matter how my friends dress, I would never try to put them down.

On several occasions she mocked me for dressing up, wearing jewellery for no particular reason, for wearing such large and eye-catching pieces. She even claimed that a girl with nail polish is a silly goose! She even warned her 8-year-old son of that on several occasions.

For me it's really hard to find a bridge across our differences. If she appreciated our different perspectives on life, things would be fine. But I'm met with mockery and ridicule, and that doesn't feel very friendly!

Only one evening did she laugh, the rest of the time I only heard negative comments on everything.

Even though there's always room for improvement I do consider myself a happy person, not just lucky, but happy.

Before she moved permanently to Australia, we had some great times. Lots of fun evenings by the fire in the garden,  or exploring flea markets together, having a picnic in the forest with lots of friends and family...

There doesn't appear to be any room or desire for that kind of fun anymore.

What's left between us then? I can pity her for having spent almost all of her inheritance from 1998, so she will have to take a job, even a rotten one. I can pity her for having a need for unspoiled nature so she had to build her house far from the city, jobs and people that are her equal. I can pity her for marrying a man that doesn't have the same social needs as her, so he doesn't feel lonely. I can pity her for being such an artistic and free spirit that she can't talk to regular people. I can pity her for living in Southern Australia where it doesn't rain so she has to buy water.

 Or I can end it here.

She has really hurt me this time, to the point where I started doubting myself. Am I really superficial with my interest in style and fashion? Is my lifestyle wrong, spending so much time with friends?

I feel like she has taken me for granted, and exploited our friendship. To top it all of, she she gave me a present as thank you for staying at our place for free: A bottle of wine, a chocolate bar and a nice packet of coffee beans.

So, should I give her another chance for old times sake? Or should I just end it here?

Give me your thoughts and experiences, help me see things more clearly!

On Coco:

Some readers will remember that we had a dog called Congo, an Alaskan Malamute. He passed away in May 2014.

We have been searching for a new dog since, now wanting to try another breed with a lesser need for exercise.

We decided on either a Japanese or American Akita. Luck struck and we were unexpectedly offered to have Coco, a four month old puppy, at a reduced price (due to owners unexpected pregnancy).

Even though she's of a somewhat nervous disposition she's a lovely, curious and brave little dog. On top of that she's extremely beautiful and loves to cuddle. She has already made many friends here, mainly other dogs, and a few select people :-)

Here's Coco having a small snack :-) Like all puppies she's hungry all the time!

On gardening:

Finally I can harvest the results of all my hard work in spring and summer, and take a break in som comfortable seating too! My husband built the sofa :-)

Kaffesoesters garden with sofa

You see pumpkins, herbs, red rocket salat, Coco in the shadow and a mini lilac tree. The tree comes from a neighbour's balcony, where it outgrew the flowerpot.

I also have a few ripe tomatoes and strawberries. However, I do plan to grow a lot more vegetables next year. Soon I'll start preparing next year's vegetable beds.

Finally I have one last photo of Coco and our daughter, waiting for the train:

Kaffesoesters daughter with dog

My two lovely girls!

I hope you forgive me this long and kind of sad post. I promise the next one will show a few summer outfits, party food and the newest shopping from Copenhagen Jewellery Fair!

Lots of love to everyone - hope to hear from some of you?



  1. I believe some friendships run their course, and as long as I've been kind (sounds like you have been extra kind) I don't feel guilty about it. People change, and we are worthy of having supportive friends around us.

    Your new baby girl is gorgeous! xox

    1. Dear Patti, thank you for your support :-) Yes, I do feel I've been kind. It's just choking how much people can change!

  2. I agree with Patti. Life is too short to spend time with such negative energy. It sounds as though your friend has isolated herself, is unhappy and looking for someone/something to blame outside of herself.

  3. People change and move on, but don't doubt yourself! No true friend, even in the most difficult of times, would make a fellow friend doubt their choice to embrace happiness and celebrate life, and it distresses me that this woman made you question yourself. You extended a generous, supportive hand, from two weeks into six long weeks. To ridicule you? Pah!! It's sad to see the memory of a happy time together end in this way, but your positivity now is much more valuable.

  4. PS Coco is the most adorable new member of your family! That's something to celebrate!!

  5. I agree with Patti (such a wise attitude!). You made me think about how many times people which I considered my friends made me feel guilty about my way of life, or criticize my style as it was just frivolity and a waste of time and money. This is not what friends do.
    It's not your fault if she feels lonely or dissatisfied, you only can support her to change whatever is making her feel this way. And you've been supportive and friendly indeed!

  6. I'm sad. Breaking up is a very hard thing to do. But we all have to stay true to ourselves. I think that's just what it boils down to, doesn't it? I wish both you and your old friend to find your own way to get to inner peace... It's just not easy sometimes.

  7. Drop that "friend" like a hot potato!
    Life is too short to give such negativity a place in your world.

  8. It seems to mw that your friend is consumed by envy, that's why she is so negative and critical of you. She is unhappy with the choices she has made, and takes it out on you. And no, you should not have to put up with that, especially since she was your guest! She made her choices, now she must live with them, or change her life.

  9. Dear Tine, so nice to see you back. I am sorry you have had a difficult time with your friend. Your friend sounds like she is her own worst enemy and sometimes you just have to step away as sad as it can be.
    Your new puppy is adorable and no doubt a lot of fun. XX Jill

  10. First things first - both of your girls are beautiful!
    As for your friend - I agree with Patti, friendships change and some don't last. It's sad, and of course there is a valued shared history, but if the current position is one in which you feel uncomfortable, then there is no shame in saying it's no longer a relationship which works for you. I'm sure that if she had been a happier house guest, then the present she gave you at the end of her stay wouldn't be an issue. Gentle teasing and joking about your interests can be fine if it's done within the context of a caring, supportive friendship; mockery and ridicule is NOT. It's odd to accept someone's hospitality (for longer than planned) and then to be rude and critical.
    The rule of thumb for me is always - does being in this relationship make me feel good, at least most of the time? If the answer is no, then I question whether it is worth investing further energy and emotion into it.
    Hope you reach a decision that feels right for you about it all, Tine. xxxx

  11. It's difficult when time changes friendships, but this does sound particularly extreme. If you met your friend now, you probably wouldn't want to be friends with her, so maybe it's time to move on. Enjoy your current friends, your daughter, your dog, and smile every day!

  12. Dear Tine,

    First a warm welcome back to you! :) I was worrying you had given up on blogging. Luckily thats not the case. :) Im sorry to hear abour your friend and possible break up, believe a friend which acts like that is no true friend of yours. Its not worth it, having a so called friend bringing you down like that. I know its sad that you have grown apart and in different directions, but sometimes these things happen. Breaking up a friendship is not easy either way and it hurts too. But in the end I think you will be better off without this person in your life. Seems to me that she is jealous of everything you have goin for you where as she is not happy with her life. Thats why she have to be rude and cruel to you to make herself feel better. Take care and I hope things will sorts it self out. xxxx

  13. I am inspired by the way that you dress. It makes me happy. I would consider letting that "friend" go. She is unhappy and not kind. You don't deserve that treatment.

  14. Dear Tine,
    You had had a hard time. I can imagine that it is difficult to go on with your usual life having a person around that is in such a bad mood, and for so a long time. I think you gave your friend every chance to find at least something that connects you with each other. You are a good friend giving her the chance to stay 6 long weeks with you. When finally you still have a bad feeling and even ask yourself whether your lifestyle is wrong. You should stop it.
    Coco is such a nice little girl! I am sure you have much fun together.

  15. Oh man, this is a heavy story. I've had the same experience recently with someone I really didn't know long. I quickly let it go because I just can't keep people around me who don't see me as who I really am.
    I would definitely suggest letting this one go. She's not happy and resentful toward you because you are happy. Nobody needs to be made to feel bad for creating a good life, just because she made bad choices.
    We can think of it in one way that maybe we should keep the lines connected, you know, because there's the possibility that your happiness can inspire her. But I don't really think it works that way from my experiences. Unhappy people who carry resentments and regrets and a negative outlook don't make good friends to anyone.
    You are much too upbeat and positive to risk being dragged down. You see...I can feel that from here!!

  16. I hope all is well with you. Best wishes!